9/11/24

so yesterday was my last day at my previous secondary school.

my first secondary school.

a place special to me due to all the important people in my life.

my friend group, my teachers, my peers.

were they not enough of a reason to let me stay?

were the past two years of my life so meaningless that i could throw it away as soon as the opportunity presents itself?

memories constructed atop a space that harboured so many different feelings and people

like a ghost, my essence shall haunt those halls forever: on the vandilism wall that i started, on the tongues of those who knew me, in all the little marks i left.

like a ghost, i am dead to the school. only a memory kept alive by the fact that i can still keep in contact with a few people.

oh, those lovely platonic soulmates of mine. they will inhabit a space i can no longer enter.

they will walk on paths i have been exiled from, connection still strong to the place that anchored all of us together.

on monday, I switch schools. I can only hope my intergration will be smooth.

10/11/24

tomorrow, i go to an unknown place full of people i will have to meet.

i'm scared.

11/11/24

the new school was a labyrinth and i had gotten a bit lost and confused many times.

though i was meant to have been buddied up with another student, they had ditched me as soon as an assembly was over.

there were less people in each class, therefore the classes were not as loud. this school was smaller.

my opinions are still forming after this.

28/11/24

I'm so fucking tired.

no longer shall i see those whom i have grown close to, not even on the weekends.

mother's job now requires her to work on the weekends, so i am unable to visit my friends as i must care for my younger sibling.

the blame is not on my dearest mother, please do not interpret my words in a way that would antagonise another individual.

fault falls to no one, though it would be as easy as the cutting of cake to believe otherwise.

it's almost been 3 weeks at this new school and i am adapting.

but my energy is being sapped from my bones as i try navigating new dynamics and fragile friendships.

at least a sense of community from those of my own ethnicity has led some of the others in this school to adopt me.

and another adopted me for my taste in music and my fandom culture.

I feel as though they are the only good things to come out of moving to this school.

i still feel lonely and exhausted and like my life is being torn apart, only to be put together like a fucked up mismatched pair of patchwork trousers.

the sun does not reach me in this new place, and it's shadows have begun to cut into me.

but how cruel it is, to dangle hope (in the form of delicate bonds still newly developing) before a starvine man?

i crave the feeling of connection, of companionship with those you have known for what feels like a millennia.

bring me back to those who i know and love.

28/12/24

...[another topic]...

Anyways, regarding my new school

it's a shit hole. I went from one more violent shit hole to a closer to home less violent shit hole.

In geography, when giving examples of lower income places, deteriorating brownfield sites, they name my old school's local area.

that town is very dear to me, it is the home of some of my loved ones. it is a sanctuary for my days of longing.

my little found family, my closest friends whom I would die for and whom would never hesitate to take the side of. I miss them.

To cope, I have started binging found family fanfiction.

In brighter news about this, academically, I have been doing well for myself.

in stressful times, academic validation is important to me

being able to see a visual representation of my work makes me feel better. despite all that the education system does to bring down the confidence of the youth, it makes me feel good to see high grades

I wonder what it says about me, enjoying seeing a number attached to my worth in the school.