9/11/24

so yesterday was my last day at my previous secondary school.

my first secondary school.

a place special to me due to all the important people in my life.

my friend group, my teachers, my peers.

were they not enough of a reason to let me stay?

were the past two years of my life so meaningless that i could throw it away as soon as the opportunity presents itself?

memories constructed atop a space that harboured so many different feelings and people

like a ghost, my essence shall haunt those halls forever: on the vandilism wall that i started, on the tongues of those who knew me, in all the little marks i left.

like a ghost, i am dead to the school. only a memory kept alive by the fact that i can still keep in contact with a few people.

oh, those lovely platonic soulmates of mine. they will inhabit a space i can no longer enter.

they will walk on paths i have been exiled from, connection still strong to the place that anchored all of us together.

on monday, I switch schools. I can only hope my intergration will be smooth.

10/11/24

tomorrow, i go to an unknown place full of people i will have to meet.

i'm scared.

11/11/24

the new school was a labyrinth and i had gotten a bit lost and confused many times.

though i was meant to have been buddied up with another student, they had ditched me as soon as an assembly was over.

there were less people in each class, therefore the classes were not as loud. this school was smaller.

my opinions are still forming after this.

28/11/24

I'm so fucking tired.

no longer shall i see those whom i have grown close to, not even on the weekends.

mother's job now requires her to work on the weekends, so i am unable to visit my friends as i must care for my younger sibling.

the blame is not on my dearest mother, please do not interpret my words in a way that would antagonise another individual.

fault falls to no one, though it would be as easy as the cutting of cake to believe otherwise.

it's almost been 3 weeks at this new school and i am adapting.

but my energy is being sapped from my bones as i try navigating new dynamics and fragile friendships.

at least a sense of community from those of my own ethnicity has led some of the others in this school to adopt me.

and another adopted me for my taste in music and my fandom culture.

I feel as though they are the only good things to come out of moving to this school.

i still feel lonely and exhausted and like my life is being torn apart, only to be put together like a fucked up mismatched pair of patchwork trousers.

the sun does not reach me in this new place, and it's shadows have begun to cut into me.

but how cruel it is, to dangle hope (in the form of delicate bonds still newly developing) before a starvine man?

i crave the feeling of connection, of companionship with those you have known for what feels like a millennia.

bring me back to those who i know and love.

28/12/24

it's been a month. exactly a month.

the days of holiday cheer are fading like a dream in the morning or the smell of a deceased love one in their former home.

And you know what?

I didn't realise it was Christmas until I was told it was.

I didn't care until i was told i'd be visiting family friends for a few days

and all i can say is damn. christmas am i right?

I went ice skating! I stayed up for 60+ hours just for fun!

it was lovely, holiday magic is being gifted a pair of boots and discovering that they add an inch to your height.

it makes me feel better about being short as all hell.

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Anyways, regarding my new school

it's a shit hole. I went from one more violent shit hole to a closer to home less violent shit hole.

In geography, when giving examples of lower income places, deteriorating brownfield sites, they name my old school's local area.

that town is very dear to me, it is the home of some of my loved ones. it is a sanctuary for my days of longing.

my little found family, my closest friends whom I would die for and whom would never hesitate to take the side of. I miss them.

To cope, I have started binging found family fanfiction.

In brighter news about this, academically, I have been doing well for myself.

in stressful times, academic validation is important to me

being able to see a visual representation of my work makes me feel better. despite all that the education system does to bring down the confidence of the youth, it makes me feel good to see high grades

I wonder what it says about me, enjoying seeing a number attached to my worth in the school.

on an unrelated note: in another universe, I'd be causing international incidents.

don't ask

30/12/24

3:55AM

I've decided to start logging the time in which i add these entries.

anyways I yearn for my hair to be straight as a ruler but my sexuality seems to be impeding on my ability to achieve a desired apperance of mine.

I would straighten my hair however, i recognise that the heat could cause damage to the completely natural mop of hair i currently have.

but wavy curly hair is hard

not fun. me no like trying to deal with it.

I don't know how to make it look good so it just fizzy and yuck.

i used to have a brushed out phase and someone said it looked like a lion's mane :/

way to ruin my self confidence revolving my ethnicity!!

5:06PM

i'm sorry for being an arrogant and annoying prick sometimes. I really do mean it.

I'm just like that, I don't mean anything by it.

2/1/25

10:40PM

I love my friends! I love them so much!

I got to see them today, and i feel like jumping around in excitement.

rabbits have passed me their energy and in joy I bounce about when i'm around them.

maybe world peace is real.

I love my friends so much aaaaaaa

you know how some friend groups have a kind of 'family-ish' dynamic? or straight up familial dynamics?

one of my friends is vaguely a parental figure to me, and i have taken to calling them 'dad' or 'father'. Today they called me sweetie in response !!

Dad helped me in mario kart :DD

and my other friend, let's call them Alius, they're like a sibling to me kind of? one that i don't always know what to say to but one i know i can trust and that i care for a lot.

they my older bto i decided

my other friend who also came is actually the bio sibling of another friend of mine, and they're actually more friend than family to me but they still cool guys.

i would ramble more but i'm struggling to not violate their privacy by info dumping too much about them on the internet

just.

i love my friends, they make my heart swell and fill me with energy from an unknown source

I don't like when people touch me but they can without making me feel weird.

19/1/25

11:45PM

I stand by my previous statement: I love my friends.

so i have a work experience interview tmr and i told my friend, the one who's vaguely a parental figure, and he told me he's so proud of me !!

called me his boy (there was a positive adjective before that but i don't remember what) !!

i love my friend dad :)

26/1/25

11:36PM

I have internalised sexism. I am aware of that. I think about myself a lot, I try not to let it be in a narcassitic way but I do, and I find that i need to work on myself a lot.

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anyways.

I worry my friends don't want me around anymore

everyone is tired and my energy doesn't seem to match them anymore.

am i on the wrong frequency?

they are all dear to me, i hold them close to my heart in fear of the day when they will be ripped away from me - the day when distance will slice up the connection we have like scissors to paper.

i'm scared

what if that day comes sooner rather than later?

what do i do then?

when i lose them, what do i do?

11:57

how did i live in HK for most of my life??

it is 7 celcius and i am sweating.

granted, I have a duvet (which i kicked off me 5 minutes ago)

and i'm in doors and in my wonderful super comfy bunk bed

but still!!

the heating cannot possibly be set that high right??

like this is sleeping shirtless in shorts kind of weather

28/1/25

9:45PM

happy new years eve guys !!

The year of the snake is not really my year, but things shouldn't go too badly!